I want to put something on here.

But I can't. I'm at a loss for words. By now, I should be comfortable with this feeling. It happened gradually, and then, suddenly.

I still enjoyed our time together, though. It was better than any fiction I can commit to paper. It was real.

End post.

I enjoy games, especially on my birthday.

So my birthday is coming up. I know a few people are looking to celebrate by way of booze (21 baby, sup), food and bad singing, and I've done my best especially in the past few weeks of frustrating their plans because I had none of my own.

Originally, I had wanted to travel alone on my birthday. It's a stupid little superstition I've held onto for years that, for the purposes of being not annoying, is going be largely ignored for the remainder of this announcement. Up until this morning, I had no plans on what I actually wanted to do for my birthday. A lot of people seem to be excited about it. I am, too, but not as much. Uncertainty does that I suppose.

But the answer came to me this morning. I found a way to keep my share of the deal (some good ole' alone time) and a way to keep other people happy (not leaving the island), and in true me-fashion it's going to be in a form of a game.

I am not going to leave the island of Cebu. Instead, I am going to check-in in one of it's many wonderful hotels, and spend the day visiting places that mean something to me. It's a little promise I have with myself: By 12MN, April 22nd, Pao is going to drop a lot of bad habits. I suppose you could say that the term 'birthday' is really very fitting for this sort of thing.

Now why is it a game? I know (and I'm talking to you, Bea Sagun, the Ivo company and friends, haha) want to celebrate with me. I do too, but the best way you can is to see Cebu from my eyes. I have always loved this city. I have always enjoyed walking around it, and getting lost. In about a few hours, I will walk a specific path through Cebu. Maybe you can join me.

Of course there's a catch. What's a game without a little excitement? In a few hours I will put up a list of the places that I will be visiting, but they will be in no particular order. What's more, even the hotel I'll be staying in for the night will be a secret. I have told no one (and I mean no one). There's an incentive of course: If you find me, then dinner and drinks will be all on me.

Celebrate with me guys. Celebrate by embracing the few things I hold sacred. Adventure, creativity and the sense of just getting lost around my second home.

This should be fun :P

Oh lord, please guide this cinderblock.

I was unable to sleep yesterday. I got back at around 6 in the evening, which is most likely the earliest I've returned to my hole in months. By 9pm, I was all set: Washed, dried, and ready for bed.

But I couldn't sleep.

It wasn't even the twisty-turny kind. It's the kind where you sit up (or lie down, when you get bored, just to spice things up) in bed, staring into space, thinking about the day. And a lot happened in my day. It's one thing to be introspective; to review the contents of a day filled with decisions and revelations. It is another thing however, to be beset by yourself. Last night, I raked myself over. Too hard. I suppose it occurs in everyone that we all get a little too hard on ourselves, and all though we know it isn't the right thing to do, we do it anyway. Self-loathing will do that to you.

I couldn't help but blame myself for the things that were happening to me. I have a sinking suspicion that if I do not snap out of this soon, I'll be falling into a state I remember very well.

But as with all things, solace comes when you least expect it. By morning I gained a small victory. I figured out what to do for my birthday. A lot of people have been asking me about what my plans were for this year, and I'm glad to say I found something that strikes a happy balance with what people want, and the kind of guy I am this week, but that's for another post (that'll come in about, 10 minutes from this one). We need to make room for....

Suddenly, Fiction:

He cocked his head back, allowing his breath to escape into the cold, rainy night. A solitary pool of light shone down on us - the only working street lamp in the near-ankle flooded street. Around us, the world continued to cry, and it's tears curtained us, reflecting the light off so many raindrops, it was almost beautiful.

We were waiting for a ride. It didn't even occur to us to cover up under all this rain. It was a good feeling.

'I know how much potential I have,' He broke, 'It's the same with you. We're alike that way. We've coasted through life, naturally adept at what it is we do. For the most part, we didn't even realize it. And because we didn't realize it, now we're insecure of it. We both look around and find other people, seemingly better.'

He turned to me, and I couldn't match his gaze. "What do you mean, 'better'," I asked.

'They have what people expected of us,' He continued, 'you've felt it, haven't you? Things you were good at before and suddenly you find that you don't even deserve half of what you've received. People think us to be strong, but you and I know we're still fragile. We were given something we didn't know we want, and now we're spending time trying to understand if we actually miss it, and if we're losing our touch. Now we're just trying to put in the work, like we're trying to please some imaginary bar. What's talent without hard work right? I can't speak for you. But for me, the secret is: I know I'm strong. But sometimes, I don't want this strength anymore. It isolates. It makes me lonely. Sometimes, I want to be weaker, filled with less...'

He sighed that time, but I was curious to find out more.

'Less what?'

'Less, whatever this is.'

I tried to read his face. Try to catch any sort of tell. An expression, a twitch. A twinkle in the eye. Anything that can let me know what it is he truly felt. I could not discern if he felt self-pity, or remorse. Looking back, I suppose I desperately wanted to find an emotion. Any emotion. I was afraid that he felt nothing as he said it. There's nothing worse than a candle burnt-out when it begins to rain.

'Are you afraid of mediocrity?' I asked him.

'No, I'm not,' he replied.

'What is it then? Tell me.' As I said these words, I realized that I was steadily becoming angrier. A fire inside me knew that his was faltering, and that infuriated me.

'People are always so fascinated by the strength of lone wolves. Lone wolves are bigger than most pack members, and they take down much harder prey all by themselves. They have to be, because they don't belong. On their own, they aren't much more successful than everyone else. They just do what they have to to get by. I don't want to be like that. I don't want to just do what I have to to get by. People around us, they expect that we can handle anything and everything that comes our way. And because of that, they ignore the simple warning signs. I want to be weaker, for lack of a better term, so that someone else can come take care of me. And if that's not possible, at least give me someone as strong as I am.'

'So you'd give up on your dreams, on everything you could have, because you're alone? That's pathetic.'

'I never said I was giving up on my dreams. I meant that it's a lonely road getting to them. People naturally assume we'd get there, and because of that they won't even bother traveling with us anymore.'

The light above us flickered, and with it I missed the most important tell of them all. I looked at him again, trying to see if I can catch a glimpse of it, but the rain had already washed it away.

Of which Pangs realizes that he's unable to admit mistake.

Sometimes you're sitting around, clicking link after link on your browser, reading nothing in particular. It's one of those afternoons where you know you have to do something but you can't be arsed to do so. Most of the time, the things you read are nothing important. Nuggets. Bits and pieces of mostly useless trivia you could probably muscle in on a conversation later on.

But sometimes, you come across something that just leaps out of the page. And it's no joke. It just straight jumps out, unceremoniously inserting itself into your thoughts. Soon you're too engrossed into reading it because it makes so much sense to you. It's funny, you think to yourself, because what you're reading applies to something else, but reading it applies it to your own life. Into your own thoughts. To anyone else, it might just be another useless nugget of triviality. To you, the last thought in your mind is going to be, 'Work, what?'

It stays with you for the rest of the day. It could be the answer to something you were mulling over. It could be an explanation for something you've been baffled about. It could be both. What makes it special is that you never decided to go looking for it. It found you.

Taken from wizards.com

Green believes that things are born with all their potential already built in. People (and all other living things) are essentially slaves to their genes. Whatever nature intended for you to be is what you will be. Green doesn't see this as a bad thing. Rather Green embraces it. To Green, this is the center of great calmness. Everyone else struggles to find where they fit in the world. Green's attitude is that you don't have to find your role in the world - your role will find you.

Blue, on the other hand, sees everyone starting as a blank slate. Blue believes that anyone can become anything. The key to doing this is knowledge. With knowledge comes the answers about how to change. Anything can be adapted as long as the transformation is understood. Blue takes great comfort in the fact that anyone has the potential to become whatever they desire. If you truly desire something, blue believes nothing is unattainable.

Green and blue approach their problems from opposite ends of the spectrum. Green wants everything to be left alone. Green just wants nature to proceed unobstructed. Blue wants to meddle with everything. Blue wants to “fix” things and make them better.

The key to understanding what an enemy pair despises is looking at the two other enemies of the two colors and see what those two have in common. Green's other enemy is Black. Blue's other enemy is Red. What do Black and Red have in common? Self Interest. Red and Black do what they want to advance their own personal goals. While Blue/Green is very reckless in its methods, its motives are very unselfish. Green/Blue believes it is advancing the greater cause. Green/Blue never focuses on itself.

This is one of the great ironies of Green/Blue. It is mindless in its quest and willing to do whatever it takes to advance it, yet has great disdain for self promotion.

Yeah, I think I'm going to call it a day.

Pao.

PS:
I've been thinking lately. Too much maybe. And I won't. It's time to just stop thinking, trying to save the world. I need a little bit of saving, and before I can ask for help, I have to give myself a break first. I realized I was wrong, and I'm sorry. Truly. There was going to be a piece of flash fiction here, but I'm going to make good on what I just said and take a rest for the day.

PPS:
The title. I really am working on it. The best way I can think of to fix it is by not writing about it. All this time I've been justifying whatever it is I do, and because of it I became unable to recognize my own fault. None of that anymore. Instead of talking about it, I'll just do it. Seems like the right thing to do.

Of Which Pangs Encounters A Supervillain

For the last few days I've been stuck in the house, alone, and my depression sank in. I've been listless, uninspired, and generally sponge-like. It isn't as bad as before, where days would go by with me literally not moving - catatonia does exist. I know, I've tried it. Luckily, I've managed to get over it in favor of it's cousin: Abject laziness.

For the most part, depression is a state I understand very well. Many people have asked me to seek help through medication, but I've refused. I got here because of dependency. I don't want to form another one.

I miss people. Being alone in a house really brings out ideas of who you are. It tears down any lies you put up about yourself, simply because there is no one around to lie to. To keep lying in the solace of yourself is maddening.

It makes me wonder: How does a lone wolf feel? Alone, in search of a pack or driven away from it, hunting for it's survival. Does it's aggression grow because it realizes that it's true nature is that of a hunter, or does it put up that mask in order to survive?

Whatever. It's close to 12:30, and I'm done being melanchoholic (yeeep, play on words). I'm going out for a run, god damnit.

Oh, and suddenly: FLASH FICTION
--------


Two people were in love.

They were in love so much that they spent a lot of time together. Much to the chagrin of everyone around them. They spent entire days together...even nights. Eventually, people labeled them as an item. They didn't mind. They knew what was going on.

They could talk to each other about everything. When they talked, the whole world listened. Less than it understood.

They were meant for each other. They were built for each other.

But inside they held back. Neither wanted to burden the other. Neither wanted to ask more of the other. They knew that they wanted to be together but sometimes they gave each other space. They knew they wanted to take each others pain but they didn't want to impose themselves on one another. They held back not only to each other but from themselves.

Sometimes they wouldn't go together. Sometimes they'd let each other have their space. They hated someone deep down. Secretly, they hated each other. In their time apart, they began to to hate everything wrong about the other person. They'd never talk about it when they're together. No, they're too happy together. But they would curse each other under their breath and under their covers when their apart. They hated each other, but they loved each other as well.

Some things you just can't understand.

Pao.


PS:
http://www.pixelscapes.com/twoflower/albhed.html
Translator for the other post. If and when I have a child, she's going to be named Vidina.

I assure you, nothing is wrong. It's just a letter I found.

Rammu,

Ev oui yna naytehk drec, drah E ys yht ryja paah vun xieda cusa desa, kuha. Dra syddanc uv so tabyndina yna ihlmayn, E ghuf, pid mad sa yccina oui dryd drao yna mynkamo ehluhcaxiahdeym. Fryd ec esbundyhd ec dryd oui yna rana, huf, yht ypma du nayt drec maddan.

Mad sa damm oui so cduno.

Cusa hekrdc, y vaf oaync du dra fnedehk uv drec maddan, E ryt y hysa. Yht so hysa fyc Vidina. E fyc punh du y rispma Vecrfeva. Ran ricpyht, y cdnuhk yht tekheveat vecransyh. Kuut baubma, mejehk eh y csymm vecrehk lussihedo uvv dra luycd uv Dykpiyh. Uh dra hekrd uv so pendr, dra tynghacc lysa, yht fedr dras drao duug so sudran.

Yht fedr ran, drao duug sa. Drec fyc dra pakehhehk uv so zuinhao.

When you stare into the abyss, the abyss stares into you. Also, it says hi.

Well would you look at that.

I went ahead and made another blog. A few years back I made one. Looking back and reading it, I remembered everything. From the reason I started writing it, to the reason why I continued it (because they are mutually exclusive of each other, mind), to the reason why I stopped. I have to say, if you're like me and you've written a fair share about your thoughts and feelings from a few years back, reading them again makes you more than cringe: It's downright torturous. It makes the gnashing of teeth sound like a healthy lifestyle choice. Reading about your teen angst is fucking annoying, is what I'm trying to say.

Some people, when looking back at the things they've done, or had happened to them, feel a profound sense of sadness. Sometimes it's depressive. Sometimes it makes you want to just close the tab and open up something else. A video. A funny post. Anything to make you forget you ever read it. To forget it ever happened.

I'd be lying if I said I'm immune to these sorts of things. I'm not. But I've realized something: When you stare into the abyss, while it does stare into you too, you're still in the position of power. You are, and have always been, the person in the present: Capable, invincible, ready to shape the abyss inside of you and turn it into something great.

For the past few years I've forgotten a few things. As a first post, now is a great time to remember and reaffirm. I am, and have always been, John Paolo Bago, the man. I have a few simple rules: I say what I mean, I mean what I say, I never regret, and I hold things sacred right next to my heart.

The abyss called. It says hi. I said hi back to it. It being the polite thing to do.